In this moment, I am really excited about my forever.
I see my community energized about creating inclusive spaces and giving marginalized groups the recognition that they have always deserved.
I have amazing people in my circle that value me and reveal no hesitation in showing that even on my worst days, I am loved.
My social media feed is full of creative and ambitious people who are hungry to grow.
And I woke up today.
To place perspective, these things I have deliberately taken the time to acknowledge are what shape my idea on what my forever will look like.
Because everything around me is in some way an influence on my next move.
I position my mind and my goals around the progression of my environment, and when I outgrow one, I simply move on and restart.
I don’t often find myself too attached to places, people, or things because I thrive in mobility and change.
Now I will admit, I like structure and having some element of consistency to cling to–because consistency is easy and safe.
However, consistency is almost always temporary and whatever elements exist outside of my control will always meet me when I feel the safest. I try my hardest to plan for every outcome so I always feel prepared. Yet, I know each time that what I envision in my head and the moment yet to come will always be in constant opposition.
Nothing will ever work exactly how I planned because I am just simply not in control. I am ok with that, because I don’t want control anyways. But that part of my brain that is wired for growth spends every moment trying to figure out the perfect way to maneuver through life.
The downside to this “fixation” with preparedness is that it comes with anxiety. Often I find myself so anxious about my “reality” that I retreat. I will go weeks with low contact to peers and seem as though I have been erased off the face of the earth–save my snapchat story which always seems to capture something.
But it is ultimately a survival tactic. I gravitate towards being alone in moments of weakness because every period of isolation for me is met directly with a shift in energy. Like every time I take a social break to re-engage with myself, I come out 10x stronger.
I know I am not alone when I say I can literally feel the forces inside of me that generate my drive, passion, and eagerness to create. It quite literally fuels my every move. When I allow myself the space to actually feel what I am going through, this force gets louder and I listen.
I think I choose to tap into this method of thinking because I know that everything I do is much bigger than just me. What I do, say, and create will be so important for someone else one day. And I don’t have to question that, because I feel it and I know that it is true.
I speak on my mental health, my social environment, my college experiences, and my struggles as a creator, so that maybe one day someone who needs it will see that there are higher highs for every low.
In that, is pressure. Not the kind that causes you to bend and break, but the kind that shapes you into untouchable energy.
I am excited by this notion because it is forward moving. This force shows me how great I can be, before I have even chosen to act.
And this exists in us all. However, to really tap into that kind of energy we have to be at peace with our reality and embrace difficult sitautions as a part of the plan. That literally means, slow down. There is simply no use rushing to the next uncertain moment, because in everything there is good to be found.
I struggle immensely with this, especially now because I have had to face the reality that is me.
Yet I am learning that in all my past preparation for whatever was to come, I was missing my life. Letting sweet moments come and go and focusing so much on what could be, that I had literally glossed over so many moments that I will never get back.
In this period of physical isolation I think we all feel a little more “forward focused” on what is to come because there is not a lot going on.
But even now as I sit here writing, I think back on how much has changed in my life since just March and how August is literally staring me down in the face, telling me to get it together.
My point being, damn that went by really fast.
To get even more specific, the girl I was about two weeks ago was broken. I had been solid before, broke down, and I am back again.
In those lower moments, I felt like it was neveredning. Like the bad mood I had woken up with was destined to crowd over me on into the depths of forever.
But I think life is just funny like that, and cyclical. I can’t promise myself that I will enjoy every moment or always hold my head high, so I won’t extend that lie to you either.
What I will draw attention to is the change.
The moment in the cycle where we ascend. We feel our best, look our best, produce our best.
It is that version of ourselves that we should be dreaming about when we feel like it’s lost.
And I don’t want to come off dramatic, but I do think mental health in this very unpredictable time should be met with gentle reconsrtuction. Especially for those of us that are always fixated on “what’s next.”
The kind of people that do something crazy and throw out an idea simply because it may be fun to try. Or someone with a dream so loud that every decision is deliberate enough to make it come true.
So if that is you, I feel for you. But this kind of unique stagnation we are in is the kind we actually needed.
Though I am physically in one space, I think everything else is in motion. I have been forced to really look at myself and every action I take as a reflection of the energy I put out. That which I give, is usually what I receive.
So I rebuild, and break down, and rebuild who I am again and again just to piece back together the killer bee. The unbreakable, untouchable, unmovable person I aspire to be.
My first college year away from home I know I lost that instinct, because the way I feel now is what I needed back then. My camera sat in its casing all year and I never really tried to push myself out of any boxes. I was just being exceedingly average and sat so deep in complacency I am not even sure how I rediscovered myself.
Nonetheless, I am now in the right headspace to look back and see value in those mistakes. I am calling this life phase a cycle of “reinvention.” Instead of focusing on the person that I was, I will generate the woman I aspire to be and visualize her.
Then, engage in the erratic process of becoming.
So here we are, hitting reset and going back to basics. Doing things I love, simply because I love them. Working hard because I refuse to look back and wish I had done anything any other way.
I am at the drawing board. I will begin this journey and start from where I am. If I end up in any place I don’t belong I will simply pack up, reset, and move on.
And just when I get comfortable enough to feel like myself,
I’ll probably start over again…
Aside from me being obsessed with these images I also just think they are so powerful. I kept to a very basic color palette only using the OG primary colors and simple design structure. This was also my first time editing black and white images and of course I could not resist the chance to add some color. So, I quickly learned how to digital edit my photos using free-hand drawings and this is the result. I did keep dirt on the hand in one photo (try to find which) just because I felt it really adds to the naturalistic and very basic idea I was going for.
Overall I am super happy with how they came out and hope you enjoy!